Zentangling Will Heal Me

And today, another very personal post as I try to figure out how I subverted my hopes of blissful retirement and stepped into another job where I work far too much. I currently have the perfect job for which I'm well suited, but I still haven't learned to set boundaries for my work hours. I was up at five again this morning to start writing and expect to be on the job most of the day when I am only supposed to be working part-time.

Previously, my extended working hours as a Middle School English teacher gave me a place to hide from a family member's alcoholism. But he is in recovery now, and my retirement poem speaks of wanting to restore a marriage, spoil a grandchild, and plant gardens. I am afraid I am becoming increasingly unavailable, consumed by another job I find fascinating.

There is most certainly a happy balance; I've seen it in the lives of women I admire. In the past, writing has served me well in helping me arrive at solutions. Let's see what happens here.

I am paid by the job. I deliver professional development (PD) sessions and demonstrate lessons in the classroom, for which I am paid enough that I am afforded some bragging rights. But we have missed some PD sessions due to inclement weather; my co-facilitator and I were instructed to make up those sessions by offering to meet individually with the teachers we serve. These instructions opened the floodgates of possibilities since I had already been moving in the direction of individual planning conferences with teachers we serve.

(I wrote a long list here, but it doesn't serve any useful purpose except make me tired!)

I'm pretty certain that although accolades for our work are nice, I am not doing this for pats on the back. I have been paying attention to the adrenaline rush I get from discovering something new. That's what I'm addicted to. I'm equally addicted to zentangling, the art of meditative doodling and would like to pursue it further, but I'm caught in the quagmire of having over-committed to my teachers. I am hoping that detailing the commitments will allow me to look at them as a whole, following through on all of the current commitments, but offering a glimpse of what I can commit to with ease.

It won't be easy for me to let go of workaholism. You should see have seen my father, who measured his worth by his accomplishments achieved through unending labor. I have spent a lot of time writing about how his measure of success has shaped my life in ways that make me feel deeply flawed.

I am asking my primary reader of this blog post to be the lovely woman who trained us to deliver world class professional development. We meet with her today; I am anxious for her wisdom and counsel.

Oh, I am weary! I think a session of Zentangling will do me a world of good!